Steam Dont Warn Me Again for
A lot of the time, here in the gaming world, reviews are taken a niggling as well seriously. Video game journalists sit down by their keyboards at night, trembling, as a great epiphany comes to them. A higher truth. They are then able to burn sweet, sweet, precious paragraphs of pure truth at us regarding the game in question. Or so some gamers seem to think.
Poor reviews tin end careers, positive ones tin pave the way for a multimillion-dollar franchise. Metacritic and the like are powerful tools indeed. It's a little frightening at times how much sway these sorts of things tin have on us. How many times have death threats and/or generations-long family curses been sent to reviewers who slagged off somebody's favourite franchise? As well many, that's how many. Remember the whole seven/ten too much water controversy around Pokémon Omega Cherry-red and Blastoff Sapphire? Madness.
Players' ain reviews are another matter entirely. If you wade knee joint-deep into the crap pool that is Amazon's user reviews, say, yous'll have to accept everything you lot read with a compression of salt. Some people are trying to provide honest, in-depth accounts of their items, sure, but others are just bitching and leaving one-star product reviews considering the UPS guy delivered their parcel damaged. Others, meanwhile, are just having a laugh.
Steam user reviews are legendary for this. They're such a hotbed of snarky piss-takery that they've had to add a '(insert number) people found this funny' function to their review feedback. It's a real goldmine, as our collection of xv Hilarious Steam Reviews That Make Admittedly No Sense will testify.
xv Rocket League
"If this game was a fork information technology be a cracking fork"
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There are hidden layers of depth to this one, I know information technology. This is some profound stuff, right here. If yous're the sort of guy/gal who can spend hours in art galleries oohing and ahhhing over a painting of a big reddish dot, seeing all manner of subconscious meanings that are lost on the rest of us mere mortals, maybe you tin explain this one to us.
What is 'fork?' How does one become fork? Will this, in future generations, become the standard by which all greatness in video games is measured? I couldn't possibly tell yous, considering I've got no freaking idea what's going on here. All I know is that y'all are either fork, or you are not fork. Rocket League, the game in question here, seems to have the potential to go fork.
14 Counter-Strike
"no achievement"
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The first thing to mention hither is that, at the time of leaving the review, this Steam user had 993 hours of Counter-Strike gameplay registered. Just shy of k hours is —whichever manner you slice it— a whole holy hell of a lot of gameplay right there. Information technology'southward quite rare for a game to get that amount of dearest. As such, you'd think in that location'd exist no stop to the Counter-Strike insight this guy would accept to offer.
In the country of Steam reviews, however, all of that boils downwards to a simple ii-give-and-take bi**h nigh something entirely impossible and ridiculous. Why doesn't this seventeen-twelvemonth-old game have Achievements? WHY? This injustice shall non go unanswered. Catch your torch and pitchfork, and off we get to protest outside the devs' HQ.
thirteen The Witness
"Then basically Snake with skillful graphics
EDIT: OK, I've played some more (half hr more) and the game keeps the aforementioned. Same puzles with little non-interesting twists, same mechanic. Yup"
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Thekla Inc'southward The Witness was one of terminal year's surprise sleeper hits. This outset-person conundrum had been languishing in development hell since 2009 and had its release delayed a farther iii years in 2013. When it finally arrived, though, it received disquisitional acclaim.
Well, more or less. As we know, it'south impossible to please everyone, especially when we're talking near a group every bit volatile as gamers can be. Still, though, props to this reviewer for giving The Witness a thorough playtesting before delivering his/her verdict. With a whole couple of minutes of play logged, this was his/her review. They reappeared with an edit after some other half an hour's play to assure u.s. that, yeah, The Witness is indeed Snake with practiced graphics. The game has a little more depth than that, but hell, points for succinctness.
12 Counter-Strike: Global Offensive
"Game tought me to spend 400 USD in digital products and so weep about what the f*** I just did
Serious Review Below...
SERIOUS REVIEWF*** Matchmaking."
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I experience your pain, Steam friend, I actually do. The microtransactions civilisation rife in video games right now has claimed millions of victims. If you lot've e'er felt buyer's remorse as you lot forked over a premium for a fancy-ass Street Fighter costume or Call of Duty weapon skin, you'll know exactly the feeling. Yes, I needed Vega in that fancy adapt with the flowery hat, merely was it a smashing purchase? Information technology wasn't.
What I like virtually this Counter-Strike: Global Offensive review is that while the writer lays down his personal gripe for u.s., he even so keeps it carve up. The main trunk of the SERIOUS REVIEW is where information technology's really at, and that crucial matter is given the attention it deserves. Center stage: Global Offensive's shonky matchmaking.
eleven DayZ
"A starving naked human made me beat him to death with a crowbar. 10/10"
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When information technology comes to Steam reviews, the sandbox, create-your-own-adventure type games are often the best provender. Recall Phoebe from Friends, and her horrifying tales of catching hepatitis when a pimp spat in her oral fissure? It's the matter-of-fact way these stories are told that makes them corking. Here, for instance, nosotros see one of Steam user DeathWish's DayZ experiences laid bare.
Now, if you lot're familiar with the popular survival title, you'll know that this doesn't really audio like anything special. That'due south more of an average afternoon downwardly DayZ style. In my eyes, the selling betoken for this one is that beating a starving naked man to death with a crowbar is what earned the game its perfect 10/10 rating. I don't think I've ever heard of the grading system DeathWish is using for his reviews, but it seems quite legit to me.
10 Mount And Blade: Warband
"Practice Not Under Any CIRCUMSTANCES Purchase THIS GAME. Seriously, look how many hours I've played: Over a thousand.
People brand fun of MMO players because they spend and then much fourth dimension working for imaginary goals, but at to the lowest degree they're hanging out with friends and collaborating. I've just been sitting here alone in my underwear in the dark. FOR one thousand HOURS.
I used to be like you. I had friends and family, hobbies and interests. I used to cook for myself and clean my apartment once in a while. I used to havefirm plants for god's sake!
I idea becoming rex would take a week or two of gaming sessions at almost. I WAS Wrong. Please, if there's annihilation you value in life, don't buy this game."
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A lot of today's comedians are completely reliant on observational humour and social satire. This stuff is then popular, and so effective, mainly considering it'due south relatable. If you had Kanye West up there on stage, making jokes virtually how hard information technology can exist to keep your solid gold helicopter collection clean (oh await, we practice, it's called rap), that wouldn't be funny at all for us regular humans.
Much like Counter-Strike: Global Offensive Guy's regret over his microtransaction binging earlier, nosotros all know this feeling. You lot become a little too engrossed in a game, then suddenly detect that two weeks accept passed, your optics are crying tears of blood, and your rectum has prolapsed because you oasis't taken a break to go to the bathroom in eighteen days. Mount and Bract: Warband is a dangerous, dangerous game, and you must not purchase it. Especially if you have house plants.
9 Duke Nukem Forever
"PROTIP: At the start of the game, it is possible to make Duke crouch down in his own jacuzzi and hold his head underwater until he drowns.
This is the good ending considering it means that you lot don't have to play the residuum of Knuckles Nukem Forever."
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Now, I'm sure many of you lot are familiar with a little affair called Duke Nukem Forever. Yous probably know that the damn game was stuck somewhere downwards Satan's u-bend in development hell for years. You'll definitely know that, when it did arrive, information technology sucked harder than the combined sucktastic of a Dyson factory.
Long-time Knuckles fans, understandably, weren't tickled by the whole state of affairs. The game continues to take both barrels of snark, and is generally regarded equally 1 of the worst releases of contempo years. Every bit such, mocking it is similar shooting fish in a barrel, so you've got to be a little artistic if you want to stand up out.
My option for a top Steam Review, and then, is Tehpogo's. This is probably the best and about applied pro tip in the history of pro tips.
8 The Sims iii
"Had 12 kids with viii different women, became president, then died when I tried cooking spaghetti. 10/ten"
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Steam user Ya Boi Daquan knows The Sims. He knows that the original life sim is all about possibilities, about inspiring and elevating your lil' Sims, nurturing them to be the best damn sims they can exist. It's too about how many damn times you can fit the word 'sim' into a single paragraph.
Information technology's another example of that sort of gratis-form, anything-goes gameplay that lends itself then well to quick, pithy reviews. Steam reviews, as we've established, are more well-nigh playing for social media likes, shares and laughs than really reviewing. The (stupid thing that happened in the game) 10/ten thing is a meme in its own correct now, and I exercise dear this i. That's pretty much the average life story of a sim, right there.
7 Counter-Strike: Global Offensive (Once more)
">exist at school>accept headphones in>headphones come unplugged>whole class panics every bit a hail of gunfire is head followed by the message that the bomb has been planted>suspended for a calendar week>was totally worth it"
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I'chiliad not sure what it is almost Counter-Strike and Steam mock-tastic, merely whenever the two mix, they make beautiful music together. Here we are again with Global Offensive, this fourth dimension checking out the in-depth analysis of Steam user Potato (or White potato 0-0 (noot), to employ their total name).
Bizarro World stories of things that happened within said game, as we've seen, are perfect forage for these reviews. This time, though, nosotros've got a curveball on our hands. It's an unfortunate and completely ridiculous story that really happened in existent life. Heed murphy's lesson, friends.
This one gave me a damn good laugh, but I do accept to wonder. What more could Global Offensive done to get itself that elusive perfect xi score? If it had got them suspended for another few days, would that have done information technology?
6 Call of Duty: Ghosts
"Non plenty ghosts, very misleading."
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Now, I don't know almost you, but I'g a unproblematic guy with simple tastes. I similar my video games to get to the bespeak, do exactly what they say on the tin, no messing effectually. If yous're going to drop an overly-circuitous plot like a Dan Brown novel or a melodramatic Hungarian lather opera, I'm out. If you lot're going to telephone call a game Call of Duty: Ghosts, you'd better have the damn mutual decency to put some ghosts in it.
Steam user Old Gregg shares my pain. After an hour and a half of gameplay logged, he noticed that there was nary a ghost to exist plant, and, similar me, he was non amused about the whole state of affairs. Get that game patched already, Activision. It's not about the ghosts, information technology'south about the lies.
5 Dark Souls III
"why the ♥♥♥♥ are you looking at the reviews department ! go the ♥♥♥♥ing game and git gud you coincidental ♥♥♥♥."
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As I'm sure we've more than established past now, nobody comes to Steam reviews for the insight. We don't actually look anything that might, say, help united states of america make an informed determination about whether or not the game in question might be for usa. Who the hell needs that? Abroad with that sort of crazy talk.
Equally the Dark Souls franchise has a reputation for being brawl-busting and pants-foulingly hard, so its fans take a reputation for beingness a little elitist. And for howling and screeching like an orgasming orangutan if you heal yourself during a PvP fight. This review of the last entry in the trilogy is –probably—intended as satire, but you never quite know with this crowd. I know your blazon, Hellsing, and I'm watching y'all.
iv Bioshock
"mario the plumber gets into trouble nonetheless again when he crashes into the sea. you have to plumb stuff. i dont really know what happens afterward that. i got scared."
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Last time I checked, Bioshock was an FPS set in the city of Rapture in the sixties. It was the story of a dude called Jack, who found his distressing ass stranded in Rapture when his airplane crashed there. There are Footling Sisters, Big Daddies and a whole lot of drug-addicted crazies called Splicers who wanted to murder your face right in the face.
Or and then I idea. Turns out, though, my knowledge of the series isn't up to snuff at all. 2K's critically acclaimed plumb stuff 'em up really did star Mario (Jack? Who's he? Who the hell needs him?) afterward all. Thanks, Steam reviewer, for setting the story straight. Imagine my embarrassment. This is an example of another pop type of snarky Steam review, the joke synopsis, and I dig it.
3 Skyrim
"Who needs K Theft Auto when yous can steal a horse. x/10""Fornicate with wenches, learn gold.""10/10 similar skyrim but with skyrim"
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A little while back, one of the Internet's legions of paradigm-editing jokesters mocked up some box art for Far Weep 3. They added the blurb similar "Skyrim, but with guns!," and so a glorious new meme was born.Yard Theft Auto was like Skyrim with cars, Mario was like Skyrim with goombas, Tomb Raider was similar Skyrim with British boobs... you see how information technology works.
The Internet took this snarky ball and ran it to the stop zone, every bit the Internet will. Thing was, though, as is normally the case with memes, it's a simple joke, and it gets tired pretty damn quickly. Luckily, the genius jokers of Steam were on hand to refresh the whole idea, with the ultimate anti-joke. Skyrim-ception.
ii Kerbal Infinite Program
"if you love space, this game will get you lot there, first hand, and permit you have your hand at designing infinite crafts (and planes), flying them, and of grade, crashing them in big glorious explosions. you volition learn a lot well-nigh space, physics, orbital mechanics, aerodynamics, etc.. this really happens. I have two friends that are rocket scientists (ane does ion drive research, the other designs micro-satellities I piece of work at a large university! and afte.."
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Just for a moment, let's stop snarking information technology up like the snarky snarksters of snark that nosotros are. Sometimes, just occasionally, a Steam review will evangelize. Yous'll laugh, yous'll cry, it'll change your life. You might even, against all possible odds, glean some insight to aid you make an informed purchasing conclusion.
Check out Slayer McGee'southward words on Kerbal Space Program, after 300 hours of gameplay. This sandbox-mode space flight sim offers all kinds of intellectual and enjoyable experiences, and Slayer wants to exist damn certain you know about them all. That's quite a TL: DR they've got for us right in that location.
But when y'all thought you might be able to develop just a sliver of faith in Steam's reviewers, though, NotHonkyTonk, the anti-Slayer, steams in and dashes your hopes.
one DayZ (Again)
"Force a human being to eat a rotten Banana and he died x/10""Some guy made me eat a rotten banana and I died."
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To finish, nosotros're cruising dorsum over to the super-dangerous world of Day Z. Dorsum in high school, I had a friend who presented me with the challenge, "in that location's basically nothing in your firsthand vicinity that DOESN'T accept the potential to impale you." I tried suggesting everything from a canvas of paper to a harmless fly, and he refuted all my ideas with increasingly gruesome and ridiculous ways these things could, in fact, kill y'all. Why am I telling yous this? Because the DayZ designers seem to accept equally twisted imaginations as he did.
Where else in video games could you run into this rotten assistant drama play out? Merely with that magical combination of DayZ and Steam users is this sort of affair possible. Predator and casualty, captured together in a cute trip the light fantastic toe of death. Like lionesses barrelling later the antelope in a David Attenborough flick, only more majestic.
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Source: https://www.thegamer.com/15-hilarious-steam-reviews-that-make-absolutely-no-sense/